I’m hanging out in the BigStuf green room, getting ready for the last session of camp 6. This is my first camp this year, and I’ll be back on Sunday, but my car is loaded up in the parking lot… driving back to Atlanta to pick up my wife.

So far, camp has been great. A little slow to take off this year, but last night was pretty awesome. It’s been interesting for me this year, compared to last year’s experience. Last year I was here for the first few weeks, so I got to see the program come together. This year, I’m jumping into the stream while things are already moving, so it’s been tough to get my bearings. And I’m playing electric guitar, which is anything but my strong suit.

It’s been good to catch up with friends though. The band is JDC, Chrystina, Ben Snider, Tim Gibson, Davis Harwell, and Slug. Couldn’t put a band together of better people, it’s been awesome working with these guys. Jared Herd and Clay Scroggins are here speaking, which is awesome too. I love it, love being here and being a part of this family.

At the same time, I miss being home. Oddly enough, the allure of the travel is wearing off quickly. I can’t wait to get back to real life and the new job. God’s doing something in my heart that’s pretty cool, stirring up more of a love for the people we do life with, and for the church we’re serving. I’m ready for August to come, ready to dig in my heels and start moving forward.

For now, one more time on stage and then off for the long drive home. Can’t wait to see my wife, though!

So, here’s what’s happened since the last post.  I lost the NCAA pool, was overtaken and shamed in the final four. I’m over it now. I had the craziest spell of work in a long time, going from the Q conference in New York (amazing), to CharlotteONE, to the FCA Windward retreat, to the Orange Conference, to the Drive Conference, and finally to the beach for a few days of much needed rest.

And if that wasn’t enough… I was offered a job as the music director at North Point. Craziness. So I just started last week, working full-time again and loving every minute of it. I’ve been informed that as a North Point staff member I now must blog every day. Somehow it is a requirement I was unaware of. I don’t know if I’ll blog every day, but I’ll definitely do it more frequently. All blogging aside, I’m really thankful for the opportunity at North Point, and I can’t wait to see where God takes us in the next few months and years. He’s up to something great at this church, and it’s incredible to be a part of it. And that’s not just Christian-y bull, I really do believe that.

And then, the most exciting part of all of it…My wife and I are flying out tomorrow to be in Europe for 2 weeks. I can’t wait! We’re going to be in London for Passion London, Paris for Passion Paris, and spending a week going through Italy. It’s going to be amazing, I cannot wait. I probably won’t be able to blog a bunch during these two weeks, but when we get back I’ll post some pictures that will make everyone jealous. So read carefully in the days to come…

Turned in my American Idol lottery ticket on Monday. (Also known as a song for the songwriter’s competition they’re hosting, check it out here.) I put the mp3 up here so you can check it out, let me know what you think. WARNING: It’s cheesy as crap. My Idol Lottery Ticket

I really don’t have anything major to blog about today, no earth shattering truth or interesting life events. In fact, life is very strange and difficult to understand right now in many ways, but I’m beginning to really understand what Augustine said when he paraphrased Paul: “That for those who love God everything works unto good, even sin.” I’ve always thought I knew what that meant, but lately I’ve had to open my hands and really accept that even in hurt and pain and all the negative emotions I don’t want to deal with, God is actually working things around to my good and the good of everyone who loves God, even to the people I’ve hurt along the way.

That’s really easy to say, and hard to understand, but for the first time in my life I’m realizing that pain isn’t inherently bad, and sin is never unforgivable. And not only is sin always forgivable, but it’s always being used for a greater purpose, being woven into the fabric of my life in a way that benefits me. That seems a little too prosperity-gospel for me some days, but it’s hard to deny. It’s in the Bible, pretty clearly written, God loves and cherishes me and is working all things for my good.

That’s it. Nothing more. But I think it’s the little things, the simple things, the things that little children understand and believe without any reservations, it’s those things that shake me to the core. I hope they keep shaking me, it’s a good place to be.

Had a great time last night at ECHO, the college ministry of  North Metro Church in Kennesaw. I’ve heard so many great things about that church, and this was the first time I’ve had the opportunity to be there. Clark and Salina Beasley graciously invited me to come and lead with them, and it was an incredible night. Rob did a great job communicating the truth behind the lies of sexual purity and intimacy, and it was a great time to just think about and celebrate the unending love of God.

It’s cool to see how everything God’s been teaching me lately is coming together in these moments of leading worship. In the midst of brokenness, I feel like God has given me something of value to bring. I’ve never wanted to just be the worship leader that does the 6 songs and talks between songs 2 and 3 to get people engaged. I think it’s really important that if you’re going to say something, make sure it’s something valuable. Not theologically eloquent or impressive, but something from the heart of God that needs to be injected into the evening. I’ve never really thought of myself as having something “valuable” to bring, but lately I can sense a message rising up in my heart about the never ending love of God, and what it means in our lives. I hope that continues to happen, everywhere I’m privileged to lead.

Thanks again, Clark & Salina, Evan, and Fish! You guys rock, and it’s great getting to hang out with you again. Now I’m off to Woodward Academy for a mid-morning FCA. Hopefully I won’t get as many blank stares as I did the last time I was there!

Before I continue, I realize that blogging isn’t the greatest forum to be completely honest about what’s going on in my life. Most of my life is boring, and I sure as heck don’t want to spend time reading it about other people. So if it’s not your thing, no worries! But right now God is doing some crazy stuff in my heart, and I feel like I need to write it down, need to document it and share it. If you do keep reading this blog, know that it will be boring and somewhat pointless, but it’s what God’s actively at work on in me. He’s excavating some big stuff, and there’s days when the job site is quiet, and days when the blasting doesn’t seem to stop. I can’t promise to be engaging or perfect, but I’ll try my hardest to be honest….

…I’m still reading Brennan Manning, can’t quite put the guy’s writing down. I’m in the midst of kind of breaking down who I am and who I’ve thought myself to be over the past 10-20 years, and trying to figure out and embrace who God has really made me to be. Through this struggle, I’ve discovered two really important things. First, I’m a very natural chameleon, someone who “wants to be well thought of by everyone, [someone who] attunes and adapts to each new personality and situation.” That’s definitely my most natural, easy response to the world. I’ll be whoever you want me to be, as long as it keeps you from being upset with me. In some respects, this is a great trait to have. It makes me a very likeable, “nice guy.” It makes me a better worship leader because it gives me the ability to read the emotions and thoughts of others in a room. But at the same time, it makes me a “non-person.” I don’t have an internal identity. I’m just constantly trying to keep my multiple identities going, keep the plates spinning, so no one gets upset or rocks the boat of my emotional stability. That’s the first thing I’ve learned.

The second thing is almost as important to me as the first. I’m not alone in this struggle. Most people around me are going through the same exact thing. And when I’m able to have an honest conversation with others, it all becomes very clear that our identity is a very elusive treasure. We have moments where we get it right, but for the most part we’re all on auto-pilot, putting up fronts for the world. But the strength I’m finding in this is that I wasn’t made to fight through this alone, isolation was never what Jesus intended. Instead, it’s in community, honest community, that I find help and strength. People who are on the same road, who are able to speak truth into my life and help me see what my real identity is. That’s the body of Christ. That’s what the real church is supposed to be about.

Anyway, that’s probably just a big rambling thought. But it’s really been huge for me this past few weeks. And this morning, I read this and it just continued to shape me. These words help me start to get a glimpse of my true identity, as a loved and cherished son of God.

“Has it crossed your mind that I am proud you accepted the gift of faith I offered you? Proud that you freely chose Me, after I had chosen you, as your friend and Lord? Proud that, with all your warts and wrinkles, you haven’t given up? Proud that you believe in Me enough to try again and again? Are you aware how I appreciate you for wanting Me?”

I hope and pray today that I’m able to live with these thoughts in mind. In complete awareness of the ferocious and never ending love of God. God help me!

Tonight I’m headed up to North Point to lead worship for the Good Friday service. From what I’ve seen already, it’s going to be a great service. Can’t wait to see it all come together. Steve and I wrote a song called “God is Alive” that’s going to be the opener for the day, and I’m really excited to hear it in the service, hope it goes over well. And the video team at the church outdid themselves on the opening video. It’s pretty moving, very cool. So check it out, and let me know how the Good Friday service impacted yesterday.

Last night was the end of a four week series called Love Revolution at 7|22. Kristian Stanfill, graciously asked if I’d be a part of it and I’m so thankful he did. Nights like last night don’t come along every time you step on stage, it was a really powerful night of worship, and the baptisms were amazing.

Oh, and in case you were there and wondering what happened… at the end of the night, we were singing Happy Day and Kristian made a point to say, “Eddie, don’t sing this time, we’re going to let them sing it.” Well, I was focused on something else I guess, so I heard “Eddie, you sing this time.” So right after he said don’t sing, I sang my guts out. It was hilarious, and a little embarrassing! Oh well, God keeps me humble.

Be sure to check out , and again, a huge thank you to Kristian, Elliott, Tim, Matt, Alex, and Jared. Love all of you guys, you made it an incredible 4 weeks!

I just read another quote today that’s meeting me in an important place today:

“Suppose for a moment that in a flash of insight you discovered that all your motives for ministry were essentially egocentric, or suppose that last night you got drunk and committed adultery, or suppose that you failed to respond to a cry for help and the person committed suicide. What would you do?

“Would guilt, self-condemnation, and self-hatred consume you, or would you jump into the water and swim a hundred yards at breakneck speed toward Jesus? Haunted by feelings of unworthiness, would you allow the darkness to overcome you or would you let Jesus be who He is—a Savior of boundless compassion and infinite patience, a Lover who keeps no score of your wrongs?”

Holy crap. Other people may read that and say, “ok, I guess.” But for me, it feels like someone just lifted a blanket off of my face and I can breathe again. Sitting here at Starbucks, I feel like standing up and shouting for joy. Not because good things have happened to me, not because my “time has come” and I’ve experienced a great blessing. Because I’ve been digging for the last month in my own grave. I’ve been reaching back, painfully, to find the person that I lost a long time ago. The child that had no fear, and didn’t know what it was like to live “to impress.” I’ve had to look at myself in the mirror and realize what a fraud I’ve been. And now, finally, I’m beginning to feel alive for the first time.

It’s hard to explain, and I know it sounds odd. But Christ is literally setting me free right now. I might be back under the blanket of despair tomorrow. But for now, I’m tasting freedom and release, and I want to live right here as long as I can.

But then, you start to notice some issues. First of all, the whole going by the middle name thing. Don’t do that to your children. As a Junior, my dad was called “Ed” (”Eddie” growing up, which has made for a few interesting moments in and of itself), so it’s not like they specifically thought, “hey, let’s call him by his middle name, that will be cool!” But nonetheless, every first day of school I just knew I was going to have to explain things to the teacher. It goes like this…

Teacher: “William?… William?…”

Me: (I wake up and realize this psuedonym is really me.) “Yes, that’s me, but I go by my middle name.”

Teacher: “So you’re Edward?”

Me: “No, Eddie.” (snickers from around the room)

So, this was the typical drill, and to this day it makes things difficult. Like plane tickets, and bank accounts. Mom, Dad, I love you. And Dad, I’m thankful for my name. Don’t get me wrong. But you have to know this stinks… you’ve dealt with it too!

Then there’s the “Jr.” Which up until today, I regarded as a tag that I didn’t want people to know. My dad used to call me “Junior” just to make me mad. Again, Dad, I love you.

So why the change today? Because I just realized that in iTunes, when you register an album as “Eddie Kirkland,” the iTunes robots think that you are a large black blues singer. Hence the reason I don’t own eddiekirkland.com So, for now, when you go to iTunes and look me up, you’ll see “Orthodoxy” listed right next to “Booty Blues.” And currently, my top rated ringtone is “Honey Bee.” Oh yeah… that’s right… “Honey Bee.”

To remedy this situation, I have to change my name. Typically I think stage names are dumb and egotistical, but in this case we have a real need. I’m thinking about changing it to “Eddie Kirkland, Jr.” Which is somewhat lame, but Harry Connick pulled it off, and Sammy Davis, and Hank Williams, lots of people have done it. I guess it’s time to bite the bullet.

So I’ll open it up to an internet poll… what should my new name be? “Eddie Kirkland, Jr.”?? All comments are welcome, be creative, and I’ll announce my new name soon. …that’s weird, I know.