chaoticsoul

BRACKETOLOGY UPDATE: 11-5 Picked 11 of the Sweet 16 correctly, and I’m somehow at the top of the pool I got talked into joining. Just goes to show you that monkeys could pick the brackets and do just as well as the guys on tv.

Before I continue, I realize that blogging isn’t the greatest forum to be completely honest about what’s going on in my life. Most of my life is boring, and I sure as heck don’t want to spend time reading it about other people. So if it’s not your thing, no worries! But right now God is doing some crazy stuff in my heart, and I feel like I need to write it down, need to document it and share it. If you do keep reading this blog, know that it will be boring and somewhat pointless, but it’s what God’s actively at work on in me. He’s excavating some big stuff, and there’s days when the job site is quiet, and days when the blasting doesn’t seem to stop. I can’t promise to be engaging or perfect, but I’ll try my hardest to be honest….

…I’m still reading Brennan Manning, can’t quite put the guy’s writing down. I’m in the midst of kind of breaking down who I am and who I’ve thought myself to be over the past 10-20 years, and trying to figure out and embrace who God has really made me to be. Through this struggle, I’ve discovered two really important things. First, I’m a very natural chameleon, someone who “wants to be well thought of by everyone, [someone who] attunes and adapts to each new personality and situation.” That’s definitely my most natural, easy response to the world. I’ll be whoever you want me to be, as long as it keeps you from being upset with me. In some respects, this is a great trait to have. It makes me a very likeable, “nice guy.” It makes me a better worship leader because it gives me the ability to read the emotions and thoughts of others in a room. But at the same time, it makes me a “non-person.” I don’t have an internal identity. I’m just constantly trying to keep my multiple identities going, keep the plates spinning, so no one gets upset or rocks the boat of my emotional stability. That’s the first thing I’ve learned.

The second thing is almost as important to me as the first. I’m not alone in this struggle. Most people around me are going through the same exact thing. And when I’m able to have an honest conversation with others, it all becomes very clear that our identity is a very elusive treasure. We have moments where we get it right, but for the most part we’re all on auto-pilot, putting up fronts for the world. But the strength I’m finding in this is that I wasn’t made to fight through this alone, isolation was never what Jesus intended. Instead, it’s in community, honest community, that I find help and strength. People who are on the same road, who are able to speak truth into my life and help me see what my real identity is. That’s the body of Christ. That’s what the real church is supposed to be about.

Anyway, that’s probably just a big rambling thought. But it’s really been huge for me this past few weeks. And this morning, I read this and it just continued to shape me. These words help me start to get a glimpse of my true identity, as a loved and cherished son of God.

“Has it crossed your mind that I am proud you accepted the gift of faith I offered you? Proud that you freely chose Me, after I had chosen you, as your friend and Lord? Proud that, with all your warts and wrinkles, you haven’t given up? Proud that you believe in Me enough to try again and again? Are you aware how I appreciate you for wanting Me?”

I hope and pray today that I’m able to live with these thoughts in mind. In complete awareness of the ferocious and never ending love of God. God help me!