chaoticsoul

// Thursday, March 13, 2008 // 2:22 PM // Starbucks //

I just read another quote today that’s meeting me in an important place today:

“Suppose for a moment that in a flash of insight you discovered that all your motives for ministry were essentially egocentric, or suppose that last night you got drunk and committed adultery, or suppose that you failed to respond to a cry for help and the person committed suicide. What would you do?

“Would guilt, self-condemnation, and self-hatred consume you, or would you jump into the water and swim a hundred yards at breakneck speed toward Jesus? Haunted by feelings of unworthiness, would you allow the darkness to overcome you or would you let Jesus be who He is—a Savior of boundless compassion and infinite patience, a Lover who keeps no score of your wrongs?”

Holy crap. Other people may read that and say, “ok, I guess.” But for me, it feels like someone just lifted a blanket off of my face and I can breathe again. Sitting here at Starbucks, I feel like standing up and shouting for joy. Not because good things have happened to me, not because my “time has come” and I’ve experienced a great blessing. Because I’ve been digging for the last month in my own grave. I’ve been reaching back, painfully, to find the person that I lost a long time ago. The child that had no fear, and didn’t know what it was like to live “to impress.” I’ve had to look at myself in the mirror and realize what a fraud I’ve been. And now, finally, I’m beginning to feel alive for the first time.

It’s hard to explain, and I know it sounds odd. But Christ is literally setting me free right now. I might be back under the blanket of despair tomorrow. But for now, I’m tasting freedom and release, and I want to live right here as long as I can.