chaoticsoul

// Wednesday, February 27, 2008 // 1:52 PM // Starbucks //

So on Monday night, Kristian called and asked if I would like to co-lead with him at 7|22 on Tuesday (yesterday). I was really honored and thankful for the opportunity. Thanks, Kristian, you are an incredibly humble and gracious guy, and I can’t wait to lead together again!

Anyway, this whole scenario was the picture-perfect opportunity for me to freak out in anxiety and self-consciousness. I was supposed to play electric, which I’m not good at. I didn’t know what songs we were doing until we arrived, which typically freaks me out. I didn’t even know one song when we went on stage for the night. I ended up being late to rehearsal, which makes my blood pressure rise. And it’s 7|22, for crying out loud, something I’ve seen and been around for years. Really cool opportunity, but a huge opportunity for being a giant ball of nervousness and self-reliance.

But something amazing and unexplainable happened. About half-way through the night, I realized that none of the nervousness I would have expected was there. Instead, I was completely at ease and really comfortable with who I am. I’d love to say “who I am in Christ,” but I don’t think it was quite that spiritual. Or maybe it was, I don’t know. There wasn’t a moment of epiphany or a revelation, but all of a sudden I realized that I wasn’t begging for the approval of others or secretly hoping everyone liked me. I just showed up to do what was asked of me, and was really enjoying hanging out with friends. I was finally comfortable with being a loved child of God, and nothing more. Knowing that my accomplishments or my performance really don’t change who I am as a person, that depends on the unchanging love of God.

I know that seems trivial and odd, but I can’t describe to you the way it felt. All night, I felt like I had just removed a backpack of weight from my shoulders. I felt free to be myself and have fun, to make fun of myself and not be embarrassed. Free enough to joke around and completely kick Matt Melton’s tail in Wii boxing! And free to not be asking around at the end of the night what people thought. All in all, it was one of the most satisfying experiences I’ve had in a long time.

On the drive home, I was trying to explain it to my wife, and I’ve tried to explain it to several people today, and I can’t quite put the words around it. But I’m still emotional when I think about it. All I can think is, if that’s what living in freedom is, I want to live like that every day. I want desperately to reach the place where that is my typical way of life.

So thank you so much, God, for working in my heart even in ways I don’t perceive. I hope that’s not the last time I get to experience that feeling.

And thanks again, Kristian, it was a pleasure leading with you. Can’t wait till next week. (You can check out 7|22 from this week here. I’ll be there for the next 3 Tuesdays, which is awesome!)